Emotional Baggage Delays Stepfamily Development

One of my participants' favorite workshop activities is when I demonstrate one of reason that many remarriages end: adults drag many unresolved issues into their stepfamilies that slows down their progress toward success.

Under the best of circumstances—when people have used mediation, counseling, or collaborative law to create a
“healthy divorce”—starting a new stepfamily is challenging. New roles, rules, diverse discipline styles, loyalty issues and children moving between two households, all involve changes that are hard to manager at first. When children respond by withdrawing, rebelling, or experiencing loyalty conflicts, the couple relationship feels added pressure.

When a remarried couple brings a vast amount of unresolved “emotional baggage” to the newly forming stepfamily, it becomes even harder to move ahead. These leftovers may include unresolved hostility between former partners, unresolved grief, angry and confused children, unrealistic expectations, and other unresolved issues.

This is especially true when addictive personalities remarry without having examined their relationship patterns. Many remarriages start before, or while, people are in recovery. As the recovery process evolves, family dynamics change, and these shifts may affect newly developing stepfamily relationships even more. Remarrieds need to understand which issues belong to Stepfamily Living and which reflect the recovery process—or that of an unresolved addiction.

None of us ever completely rid ourselves of all our "baggage." That's part of our lifelong growth process, but to get a headstart on creating a successful stepfamily, it's wise to take a look at relationship and communication patterns with people in our lives and do what it takes to identify and improve them before remarriage. Skill-building is the most effective way to strengthen a stepfamily.

--Elizabeth Einstein

Copyrighted materials. Please attribute to Elizabeth Einstein, MA/LMFT.